And that makes me angry

Are any other autism moms (or dads) out there as familiar with anger as I am?

My emotions have been all over the board since the beginning of our journey, and, quite frankly, I’m embarrassed to admit how often I feel angry about our situation. Even as I write this, I feel ridiculous! I mean, seriously! Shouldn’t I be focused on the positives here? I have a happy, and healthy little girl. That, in itself, is enough to be grateful for.

Now, you should know that I am not an angry person. Calm, and collected is how I tend to think of myself (even though my husband may disagree). So, I wasn’t sure how to handle this anger thing. I’m not talking about feeling angry every once in a while. I experience anger every single day.

In the beginning I was angry with myself. I thought that there was something I could have done to prevent the autism, or that I didn’t do something that I should have to help with my daughters development. I blamed myself, and was angry with myself. Once I realized there was nothing that I could have done to change the fact that Belle has autism I became angry with God. Selfishly, I would have a pity party and think to myself, “Why does this have to happen to me? Why my family? Why my Belle?”

I hate when I see the frustration in her eyes as she struggles to communicate. She can’t tell me if her feelings are hurt; if she feels alone; when she’s afraid; why she is sad, or why those big crocodile tears are filling up in her eyes. I don’t get to hear her sweet, little voice, and that makes me angry.

Duke (from Secret Life of Pets) understands me.

Please, don’t get me wrong here. I am not angry with Belle. She is beautiful, sweet, funny, and has the best personality. She’s a fantastic runner (hence the blog name), and her dance moves can’t be beat. I love everything about Belle, and that’s including the autism. Autism just makes everything different.

Occasionally, I will catch myself becoming angry with our situation, and the anger will sometimes turn into sadness. Oh, how I wish I could let you in on this big secret of how I’ve conquered the anger, but the truth is I am still working on this one.

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